Happy Mother's Day!

I want to wish each of you Mother's out there a very happy Mother's Day! The greatest gift I've ever received was my little daughter. She tests me, she keeps me grounded, she loves me unconditionally, she renews my faith at times, and she makes me laugh. My Mom is gone this year but, I still remember all the wonderful times we shared and blessing she was in my life.

Hug your mama's today and tell them how much they mean to you. Don't just hand them their gift or their card and say it. Tell them just how much they've helped shape the person you are!

Mother's Day Picks!

Mother's Day is coming around the corner. I have so many ideas of what I want and want to give, that it's getting overwhelming. There's my all time favorite kitchen and dining gifts I've been wanting for a loooong time!

Let's see, there's the Kitchenaid Professional 600 which would help me fulfill one of my dreams to become a better baker. And then there's the Cuisinart 14-cup brushed stainless food processor that I've had my eye on for what seems like forever. Then there's this Rachael Ray Stoneware that's all pretty awesome! And Le Creuset makes some amazing stuff that I've been drooling over including this 20-piece cookware set.

Maybe I'll send the link to this post as a hint since my Birthday and Mother's day are close together. There's lots of beauty products, handbags, and jewelry that I wouldn't mind receiving. *wink* My perfume is two years old so it's starting to change it's smell, time to get a new one like Vera Wang Princess, or Marc Jacobs Daisy, or even Stella by Stella McCartney.

Handbags? Well, it's been ages since I've bought a new handbag(about a year to be exact *gasp*) So, how about this Hobo International Jude Vintage leather handbag or this Nine West Leoni satchel

We'll see if he takes the hint?

Memories

Last week I made potato soup and chicken noodle soup. It's not cold here so I can't say it's the weather that's making me feel the need for soup. I've been in my own little world lately and I know it's because of my Mom passing away and the financial burden we are under right now. I haven't really talked to many people about it besides my Sister and my husband.

My Sister is in the grieving process too so it's weird but, we actually don't wallow much in our feelings with one another. In this case, it's not misery loves company. Maybe for me it's because I feel the need to protect her. I still worry about her and how she is doing because she was there when Mom died.

Anyway, it's very strange the methodical things I'm catching myself doing. Methodical but, not necessarily me. My mom was one of those people that loved to cook. She wouldn't waste her appetite eating food that was not what she wanted. She would lovingly prepare food for others as well as herself. Usually, it was all from scratch. She loved savory food with lots of flavor. I love it too and loved her cooking. As a "modern" woman, I like to cook for my family, I like to eat out, and I like to sometimes make easy meals. I'm not always about effort. Sometimes, I'm just hungry. I want to shove something in my face to take away the hunger and don't really care if it's up to par.

Since she died, I've caught myself wanting and literally craving things that comforted me when I was growing up. Soup was one of my favorites and we had a garden when we were younger and she didn't have to work as much. I made some potato soup a few weeks ago, I used different potatoes and didn't put as much bacon in as I would like so, it was a let down. I had to do it over again so I bought russet's and one day woke up and put a pot on. Always makes me think about growing up. A few days later, I had chicken that needed to be cooked so I put a pot of chicken soup on. Again, something my mom would do. She would just throw something together with whatever ingredients she had on hand. She was one of those that would make it taste delicious with 4 or 40 ingredients.

Some days, I don't know what to do with my broken heart. I feel lost. I feel like I want to call her 50 times a day. I think about things that are going on with Kai, and want to call her. I still think I can just pick up with phone and call her. It is becoming more real to me now. Grief and her stages.

My mom was a very open person, you could talk to her about anything really. She was my best friend for many years and often not as much a Mother figure as she was a confidant. It will take a lot of time to pass before I can let that go. I have women in my life that I can talk to though. I have women in my life that are sister's and bosom buddies. If not for that, I would be devastated.

For anyone that is reading this, let yourself go through the process. Seek others that are close to you. If you are a christian, lay your burdens at his feet. Allow yourself to be imperfect and a mess at times. It's all part of the healing process. You may never get over it but, the anxiety, hurt, and anger can go away. You don't always have to put on an outward show.

Longing For Autumn Days

If you live in the desert, or somewhere where the seasons don't really change, then you may know my sadness. I grew up in a place where the seasons changed. You got to see trees in their cycles. The fires of the leaves, then the shedding. The growth of buds, then flowers, and ultimately the lush green that becomes the tree.

It's always bittersweet to me this time of year. It's my time of year, if I can call it mine. I loved feeling the air turn cooler and smelling the difference in it. For some reason, I'm on this nostalgic kick every year. I know when winter comes, that feeling is gone and the dark, long days ahead aren't very fun. Where I grew up, it was rainy, not really snowy. Sometimes it would though and I would sit in the window many times a day and just look at the glistening white. That's another post though.

The Fall reminds me of Summer days ending, school beginning, holidays beginning, warm clothes wearing, and fire starting. I remember chilly, rainy Halloweens, and pumpkins rotting on front porches. It reminds me of my life in Oregon, with my Mom. With my family. I have a new one now and more often than not, I don't think about those days. They were difficult, beautiful, hopeful, and heartbreaking.

I mourn my Mother, and my childhood today. Promises I made to myself and some that I've broken. When we grieve, it's so very different from person to person. I often wondered what I would do when my parent's died, especially mom. I wondered if I would be in shock or would I just weep uncontrollably for awhile, and then watch it fade?

This has been a process and it's only been a few months. I'm finding myself doing the normal things, then gripped with tears. Now that it's my favorite time of year, I'm thinking about her and all the things that made her special. I can see, it's going to be a long road for me. A process. I can't expect anything of myself. There will be days of tears and mourning, days of prayer, days of joy, and days of anger. There is no right or wrong when it comes to mourning, there is just you and your thoughts.

Wordless Wednesday-My Mom

My Mother passed away on July 19, 2009 at the age of 56 due to complications of liver disease. She only met my daughter once, when she was 3 months old. I'm so sad that she will never get to be a grandma to my daughter and any other children I may have. Both of my parents are gone now, it's hard to even think about. I love you mom and I miss you already!

Wordless Wednesday-Mothers Day Tribute

I had a totally different post but, wanted to do something different since it's Mother's Day Sunday. My dear friend, Jenny took these newborn pictures of my daughter and they are one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. They all turned out gorgeous! My gift from God and I when she was a little thing. People that know us in real life know just how little my girl was for a long time. She still is very petite.

Mother's Curse

We all have said it at least once. "I don't want to be like my mom or dad" or whoever raised you and got on your last nerve! My Mother was the primary parent in my life. Dad and mom were married but, separated a lot when I was younger and when they finally divorced, I lived with my mom.

When I was younger, dad would wake up very early and start whistling, making coffee, being generally chipper. Mom would wake up later, grouchy, silent, and angry if anyone tried to even whisper to her for the first hour. Dad would comment on how he and I were generally chipper and lovely in the morning and not at all like my mom and my little sister.

Fast forward to today. I'm 33, a wife, mother to one, step-mom to another. I like my sleep. Scratch that, I LOVE my sleep. I'm one of those people that needs at LEAST 7 hours of sleep to feel functional through the day. And don't even try and wake me up because I will murder you, in my sleep. Hubby can attest to that last statement.

He's a snuggler, but that's another post. He stays up later than I because he is on a night shift. Conversations usually end up like this

Him: tiptoes through the room, turns on the closet light, starts taking off contacts
Me: "ungghhh"
Him: continues getting ready for bed
Me: *SIGH* "why do you always have to wake me UP?" loud tone
Him: "you're too light of a sleeper"
Me: goes to the bathroom, swaying like a drunkard *pees*
Him: tries to get up on me and snuggle
Me: *SWAT* "leave me alone!!"

And so it goes on, almost nightly, unless I don't wake up which is rare. My daughter is the only one that can get away with waking me up. I guess it's a mommy thing because, I know she needs me. That doesn't change the fact that I'm a grouch first thing in the morning, and would love to have some caffeine pumping through me before I have to do all the things mommies do.

It amazes me that I'm like this now. Although, I'm not sure why? My mom was, and is, a mean woman when she first wakes up. She needs a cup of coffee and a cig at least, to function! ha ha. Why couldn't I have stayed the chipper girl? One never can tell where the line is. That line where your parent ends and you begin. It's part of us, no matter if we hate it or not. My mother calls it "the mother's curse". You become like your mom and/or your child inflicts on you, what you've inflicted on her.

Guess I'll have to start figuring out what "mother's curse" I'm gonna pass on to my girl...