Memories

Last week I made potato soup and chicken noodle soup. It's not cold here so I can't say it's the weather that's making me feel the need for soup. I've been in my own little world lately and I know it's because of my Mom passing away and the financial burden we are under right now. I haven't really talked to many people about it besides my Sister and my husband.

My Sister is in the grieving process too so it's weird but, we actually don't wallow much in our feelings with one another. In this case, it's not misery loves company. Maybe for me it's because I feel the need to protect her. I still worry about her and how she is doing because she was there when Mom died.

Anyway, it's very strange the methodical things I'm catching myself doing. Methodical but, not necessarily me. My mom was one of those people that loved to cook. She wouldn't waste her appetite eating food that was not what she wanted. She would lovingly prepare food for others as well as herself. Usually, it was all from scratch. She loved savory food with lots of flavor. I love it too and loved her cooking. As a "modern" woman, I like to cook for my family, I like to eat out, and I like to sometimes make easy meals. I'm not always about effort. Sometimes, I'm just hungry. I want to shove something in my face to take away the hunger and don't really care if it's up to par.

Since she died, I've caught myself wanting and literally craving things that comforted me when I was growing up. Soup was one of my favorites and we had a garden when we were younger and she didn't have to work as much. I made some potato soup a few weeks ago, I used different potatoes and didn't put as much bacon in as I would like so, it was a let down. I had to do it over again so I bought russet's and one day woke up and put a pot on. Always makes me think about growing up. A few days later, I had chicken that needed to be cooked so I put a pot of chicken soup on. Again, something my mom would do. She would just throw something together with whatever ingredients she had on hand. She was one of those that would make it taste delicious with 4 or 40 ingredients.

Some days, I don't know what to do with my broken heart. I feel lost. I feel like I want to call her 50 times a day. I think about things that are going on with Kai, and want to call her. I still think I can just pick up with phone and call her. It is becoming more real to me now. Grief and her stages.

My mom was a very open person, you could talk to her about anything really. She was my best friend for many years and often not as much a Mother figure as she was a confidant. It will take a lot of time to pass before I can let that go. I have women in my life that I can talk to though. I have women in my life that are sister's and bosom buddies. If not for that, I would be devastated.

For anyone that is reading this, let yourself go through the process. Seek others that are close to you. If you are a christian, lay your burdens at his feet. Allow yourself to be imperfect and a mess at times. It's all part of the healing process. You may never get over it but, the anxiety, hurt, and anger can go away. You don't always have to put on an outward show.

Grief And Business Of The Day

This will be mainly for me to vent but, also just to talk a little about my mom. My head has been in a cloud for the last couple of months and it's really taken a toll. I've been living out of a suitcase and boxes, I've been frustrated about money(which is pretty much all the time anyway) due to buying a home and bills. My mom is gone and I really haven't come to grips with it yet. There are days, like today where my heart is absolutely broken.

Looking at photos, I was reduced to tears and had to pick myself back up, because my sweet little two year old consoled me. I haven't been a very good mom the last month. I have been so busy that I haven't really had time or patience for her. I've been snapping at her and really just in my own mind. I feel terrible about it later, every time!

I've done so much already since we moved into this place and yet, it feels like nothing has been accomplished. I've done a lot of it on my own so it's a much slower pace. My kitchen is half painted but, we got more stuff out of storage so I had to start all over again with that stuff. I can't wait until at least I can find my things.

I guess I still haven't gotten my bearings yet. I feel like everything I'm doing is up in the air on some level. The house has been up in the air for about a year now since it's not completely set-up yet. We are trying to have a baby and that stress is bad some months and fine in others. I know it will happen, just hope it doesn't take terribly long. I'm getting older, my daughter is getting older. My mom passed away and I still haven't begun to grieve. I've been too busy and yet there are moments when it grips me and knocks me down.

Like I said, this is more of a vent. Just putting it down so that I can let it go. I think it's worthwhile to show humanness on it's most basic level. Many of us share very little and yet grief and stress are all part of life. God has been helping me in my prayers to him. He calms me when I'm frustrated. He allows me to put my burdens at his feet. He also hears the prayers of others that offered on my behalf and I can't ask for any more!