Friday, August 28, 2009

Grief And Business Of The Day

This will be mainly for me to vent but, also just to talk a little about my mom. My head has been in a cloud for the last couple of months and it's really taken a toll. I've been living out of a suitcase and boxes, I've been frustrated about money(which is pretty much all the time anyway) due to buying a home and bills. My mom is gone and I really haven't come to grips with it yet. There are days, like today where my heart is absolutely broken.

Looking at photos, I was reduced to tears and had to pick myself back up, because my sweet little two year old consoled me. I haven't been a very good mom the last month. I have been so busy that I haven't really had time or patience for her. I've been snapping at her and really just in my own mind. I feel terrible about it later, every time!

I've done so much already since we moved into this place and yet, it feels like nothing has been accomplished. I've done a lot of it on my own so it's a much slower pace. My kitchen is half painted but, we got more stuff out of storage so I had to start all over again with that stuff. I can't wait until at least I can find my things.

I guess I still haven't gotten my bearings yet. I feel like everything I'm doing is up in the air on some level. The house has been up in the air for about a year now since it's not completely set-up yet. We are trying to have a baby and that stress is bad some months and fine in others. I know it will happen, just hope it doesn't take terribly long. I'm getting older, my daughter is getting older. My mom passed away and I still haven't begun to grieve. I've been too busy and yet there are moments when it grips me and knocks me down.

Like I said, this is more of a vent. Just putting it down so that I can let it go. I think it's worthwhile to show humanness on it's most basic level. Many of us share very little and yet grief and stress are all part of life. God has been helping me in my prayers to him. He calms me when I'm frustrated. He allows me to put my burdens at his feet. He also hears the prayers of others that offered on my behalf and I can't ask for any more!


eastonsmom said...

Even one of those events can be overwhelming, but put them all together and I'm sure it feels like too much some days. I know God is hearing your prayers and hasn't ever left your side. One day you will be able to breathe again, but I'm sure it will take time. I find it amazing though how God provides peace and contentment in places where you wouldn't imagine you could find it.

Grammymouse said...

{{{{Hugs}}}} Melanie
It is a good thing you are writing about it, as a constructive way to deal with grief. You have a very full plate right now, and the best you can do is take a day at a time... I know, boring... and I am sure many others have said it too, but you can't hurry anything... remember to everything there is a season or reason. Keep God in your heart, and that will be sure to keep your mom close by too! she has not left you, she is just not able to be seen at this time in your life. I will use the example I said to my Dil ( & reasoned to myself, after my Gran & then shortly after then my mom passed) my Dil was expecting their first... they had come down by us for a visit, which doesn't happen to often... and when they were but an hour from home she got a call from one of her sisters that her mom had collapsed at work & was at the hospital.. they drove directly there... She never regained consciousness, but it still took a few more days for her body to stop. We were up there as soon as we could manage, but she was not up to company so we stayed at a hotel & left after the arrangements were all done... One day much later when we had one of our few chats, I told her that her mom was not really gone, I believe that! And if anything that Collin, who had not quite arrived yet... would have many 'New angels' watching over him. And he needed those extra angels in his corner when he was born. Not that we want to lose a loved one, but it is a passage of life.
Your mom will always be that extra "Angel" in times of need. You can still talk to her, tell her about your day, fears, frustration & joys!! she is listening... you will just not hear her comfort or advice in the 'old' way, but you will eventually notice little things....maybe just a feeling of your mood a little lighter, your heart warmer, or just a sudden urge from your daughter to need a hug... those are messages from Mom... and God... take a step at a time... we all have hard days and it is normal to just want to scream some days!!! Take comfort that you are not alone in this new direction, and the love of family here & in other worlds are still there when you need them....
Take a deep breath.... soon the shadows will fade & the sun will show the way :)

And we, your online friends, too, are here... just holler.

{{{hugs, again}}}

The Jacobsen Family! said...

You know our prayers haven't stopped for you or your family. We love you very much. If you need to call and vent, please do so!!
Love you!