Memories

Last week I made potato soup and chicken noodle soup. It's not cold here so I can't say it's the weather that's making me feel the need for soup. I've been in my own little world lately and I know it's because of my Mom passing away and the financial burden we are under right now. I haven't really talked to many people about it besides my Sister and my husband.

My Sister is in the grieving process too so it's weird but, we actually don't wallow much in our feelings with one another. In this case, it's not misery loves company. Maybe for me it's because I feel the need to protect her. I still worry about her and how she is doing because she was there when Mom died.

Anyway, it's very strange the methodical things I'm catching myself doing. Methodical but, not necessarily me. My mom was one of those people that loved to cook. She wouldn't waste her appetite eating food that was not what she wanted. She would lovingly prepare food for others as well as herself. Usually, it was all from scratch. She loved savory food with lots of flavor. I love it too and loved her cooking. As a "modern" woman, I like to cook for my family, I like to eat out, and I like to sometimes make easy meals. I'm not always about effort. Sometimes, I'm just hungry. I want to shove something in my face to take away the hunger and don't really care if it's up to par.

Since she died, I've caught myself wanting and literally craving things that comforted me when I was growing up. Soup was one of my favorites and we had a garden when we were younger and she didn't have to work as much. I made some potato soup a few weeks ago, I used different potatoes and didn't put as much bacon in as I would like so, it was a let down. I had to do it over again so I bought russet's and one day woke up and put a pot on. Always makes me think about growing up. A few days later, I had chicken that needed to be cooked so I put a pot of chicken soup on. Again, something my mom would do. She would just throw something together with whatever ingredients she had on hand. She was one of those that would make it taste delicious with 4 or 40 ingredients.

Some days, I don't know what to do with my broken heart. I feel lost. I feel like I want to call her 50 times a day. I think about things that are going on with Kai, and want to call her. I still think I can just pick up with phone and call her. It is becoming more real to me now. Grief and her stages.

My mom was a very open person, you could talk to her about anything really. She was my best friend for many years and often not as much a Mother figure as she was a confidant. It will take a lot of time to pass before I can let that go. I have women in my life that I can talk to though. I have women in my life that are sister's and bosom buddies. If not for that, I would be devastated.

For anyone that is reading this, let yourself go through the process. Seek others that are close to you. If you are a christian, lay your burdens at his feet. Allow yourself to be imperfect and a mess at times. It's all part of the healing process. You may never get over it but, the anxiety, hurt, and anger can go away. You don't always have to put on an outward show.

Longing For Autumn Days

If you live in the desert, or somewhere where the seasons don't really change, then you may know my sadness. I grew up in a place where the seasons changed. You got to see trees in their cycles. The fires of the leaves, then the shedding. The growth of buds, then flowers, and ultimately the lush green that becomes the tree.

It's always bittersweet to me this time of year. It's my time of year, if I can call it mine. I loved feeling the air turn cooler and smelling the difference in it. For some reason, I'm on this nostalgic kick every year. I know when winter comes, that feeling is gone and the dark, long days ahead aren't very fun. Where I grew up, it was rainy, not really snowy. Sometimes it would though and I would sit in the window many times a day and just look at the glistening white. That's another post though.

The Fall reminds me of Summer days ending, school beginning, holidays beginning, warm clothes wearing, and fire starting. I remember chilly, rainy Halloweens, and pumpkins rotting on front porches. It reminds me of my life in Oregon, with my Mom. With my family. I have a new one now and more often than not, I don't think about those days. They were difficult, beautiful, hopeful, and heartbreaking.

I mourn my Mother, and my childhood today. Promises I made to myself and some that I've broken. When we grieve, it's so very different from person to person. I often wondered what I would do when my parent's died, especially mom. I wondered if I would be in shock or would I just weep uncontrollably for awhile, and then watch it fade?

This has been a process and it's only been a few months. I'm finding myself doing the normal things, then gripped with tears. Now that it's my favorite time of year, I'm thinking about her and all the things that made her special. I can see, it's going to be a long road for me. A process. I can't expect anything of myself. There will be days of tears and mourning, days of prayer, days of joy, and days of anger. There is no right or wrong when it comes to mourning, there is just you and your thoughts.

Wordless Wednesday-My Mom

My Mother passed away on July 19, 2009 at the age of 56 due to complications of liver disease. She only met my daughter once, when she was 3 months old. I'm so sad that she will never get to be a grandma to my daughter and any other children I may have. Both of my parents are gone now, it's hard to even think about. I love you mom and I miss you already!