Friday, November 30, 2007

Heartbreak and the Bittersweet!

My daughter was born December 26th 2006. She is and will always be one of the great loves of my life...She was given to me after a lot of time and heartbreak. All I've ever truly wanted to be was a Mother. All I ever had was an almost insatiable desire to be part of a family. Don't get me wrong, I have a family. My parents were married for part of my growing up and I have a brother and sister that I love and am still in touch with. My family was just like many now. It was broken and more importantly, my parents were. The two people in charge of 3 new lives.

None of that is amazing or even sad to hear for most people because it's so common. For me, it was what shaped me to be the woman I am today. Good and bad alike. It's what makes me the wife I am and now the mommy I am. I can't say there are many things I would change because of that irony which is wisdom.

My daughter is nearing her 1st Birthday and while I am ecstatic that she is healthy and so incredibly mobile, I'm also seeing the bittersweet that is parenthood. You cheer for your child as they hit their milestones and swell with pride. Inside you cry tears of helplessness because you want them to be your little baby forever. I want her to be independent like the signs she is showing me, I want her to be a leader and not a follower, I want her to be an individual! I will continue to support her in that. I will hold her in my arms when she is tired or sick and smell her delicious head and remember that she will always be my baby...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Another day in the life..

Today was one of those days that you don't want to do anything really. Or at least, I didn't want to. I had my nephew last night and he enjoyed being with the baby and playing with her. He is an only child so, he gets a total kick out of her. I took him to the airport and can I say for the record "It Blows". Just to accompany him I had to shed all of our stuff, including the stroller and so did he. I put him on the plane in the nick of time and sent him on his way to his new home in Colorado. My Sister just eloped at the end of August and is now living with her new husband there. I am sad. I need to focus, I've already gotten off track...

Anywhoo, I came home, ran an errand and just felt crummy all day. I let Kaia play to her hearts content and I just blended in. I have been emotional all day too so, I think my favorite time of the month is here!! *pfffft*

Monday, November 26, 2007

Suffer The Little Children

I read a post on a forum I participate in and it was like many other posts about abuse. A disgusting reminder that we live in an evil world. An innocent child abused, murdered and thrown away like trash. I read about this all the time. Why does it get me so today? I don't know. I always think of this passage in the bible when I hear of such atrocities;

Luke 18:16-But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Of course this is a bit out of context because it was when the little children were excited to see Jesus and the disciples tried to keep them from going up to see him but, basically it says that the closest you can get to heaven is by the innocence that is within children. Jesus even says we cannot enter heaven without being as a child. He also says that if we harm one, there will be

I am reminded every day of the evil in this world. It's proven by the lack of love and compassion for human life. When families can turn against each other and take away their lives, there is something wrong. Yet, I am not in despair, I have hope in him. He does say that when he returns, we will have all but destroyed ourselves completely. I don't find that hard to believe anymore, sadly.

When I look at my beautiful daughter, I see what is described above. Besides all the regular things that a parent wishes for their child and dreams, I see her innocent charm. I see the beauty in her just being. I see her personality unfolding in front of me. She is a soul, put on this earth for a purpose and only time will tell what that is. She was given to me to raise and care for. I only hope that I can do that justice. I count my blessings that I was given the gift of her. My little angel baby...

Getting Back To The Grind

My anniversary was "nice", I say that only because it would have been much better if we could've gone out of town or something. We debated whether we should and what we would do with the baby, etc. As usual, my husband put forth very little effort into the planning and we didn't get eachother gifts so, he put in about zero effort until toward the end of the day when I got a card and some pink-tipped roses(lovely I might add). Sometimes I get frustrated, although I have really no right to since I knew who he was going into the marriage. He does do sweet things every now and then when it's not expected. We went to dinner at a new restaurant and sat in the twilight outside eating. It was new so there were only a few people there. We weren't able to go to the Melting Pot because it was booked(never been there). We went to Dave & Busters for some games and got one of those drawing pictures taken in the booth. Anyways, it was nice to spend time with each other and have more than 2 hours without the baby.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. It's my favorite holiday. It's about family, food and enjoying eachother's company without the expectation of gifts or what someone is going to get out of it. I have been going to the home of people in my church that aren't family for many years. Actually probably since I moved out the AZ in 1996. They were my church family and the extended family of one of my great friends. My Aunt and Uncle tagged along to their house too, so I was able to spend the holiday's with some of my family. Fast forward to today where my Brother is married to the same friend and so I get to spend the holiday's with many people that I love. Brandon and I went there first and then on to his mom's. I wish I could see more of my Mom but, she doesn't live here and she doesn't visit here because of her health. Anyways, I enjoyed all of it but, we had to cut it short because Brandon worked a few hours that night.

Each local in my church has "reunions", a few days carved out at different times in the year for worship and fellowshipping, etc. The Phoenix reunion is always the 3 days following Thanksgiving. There are services throughout the day and lunch and dinner is served. The preparations are all made by the local that is hosting the reunion. It is a time to see old friends from different states, and to hear the word of God. I have enjoyed it immensely and even visited for reunion a few times when I lived in Oregon. I felt very edified this weekend. I know some of the sermons and some of the testimonies were for me. They gave me a better perspective into some of the things going on in my life. Kaia did GREAT! She has finally gotten over her major people phobia and was able to have a great time with the kids and adults around oggling her! She is super mobile now which is a blessing and curse at the same time...haha She is walking a ton as of this week and of course wants to touch, eat, and play with everything. She is "talking" a ton too. She has voice inflection and expression and is too adorable for words. Thanksgiving reminded me again why this country is so great, my life is so great even though I'm broke most of the time hehe, and that my friends and my family are a true blessing in my life.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and that your family and friends made it even more precious!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I Guess This is celebrating an Anniversary as parents

We decided to celebrate on Friday instead of Saturday. I had been asking Brandon what he thought of doing for awhile. I know my husband is a huge procrastinator so, it's the way it is. Originally we wanted to do an overnight without Kaia but, my SIL hasn't been doing all that well and I didn't want to burden her. We decided to go out for the night and just spend some quality time together. I was once again dissappointed because my husband spends more time on entertainment and deciding what to do about dinner than he did with putting any effort into our anniversary! Needless to say I was pissed at first!

I knew he wasn't a romantic guy going in so, I have low standards now. I even tried not to get my hopes up about the situation.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Second Wedding Anniversary

Brandon and I will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary November 17th. I am excited that we will actually get some time to be romantic and not feeling like mommy and daddy. I have been feeling like a fat, dumpy, housewife lately and would like to feel attractive to my husband. I decided to go shopping for a skirt or a dress of some sort because Brandon likes me in them. I don't mind wearing them and I would wear it to church, so no biggie. I went to a couple of stores and left with that dreaded depression I get when I'm overweight and looking at myself fully in a mirror.

I haven't even gained all the weight back but, of course after you have a baby you aren't the same. My shape is different in my mid section and around my surgery scar. I'm trying to find an outfit that will show the positives in my figure and I know that my husband loves me regardless. It's hard not to get depressed here and there though.

Enough whining about me...I want to go to a Tepanyaki place for our meal and Brandon said he was for it. I have about 5 restaurants very close to me, including Benihana. I thought a murder/mystery dinner would be really cool too since it's something I've never done. My hubby isn't really good at picking anything until the last minute so, I have no idea if he has something up his sleeve or not. UGH. Oh well, this is a scrambled blog since I have so many things running through my head right now. I guess I'll end for now.

Monday, November 12, 2007

So, I'm here...

I caved to glorious peer pressure. Haha. I have been reluctant to start a blog because I always feel as if I need to be entertaining and uplifting or both. I enjoy the gals I speak to in the "internet" and thought I may join them for a little more fellowship. I'm sure eventually, I may even pass it on to others if I feel inclined.