Thursday, October 1, 2009

Longing For Autumn Days

If you live in the desert, or somewhere where the seasons don't really change, then you may know my sadness. I grew up in a place where the seasons changed. You got to see trees in their cycles. The fires of the leaves, then the shedding. The growth of buds, then flowers, and ultimately the lush green that becomes the tree.

It's always bittersweet to me this time of year. It's my time of year, if I can call it mine. I loved feeling the air turn cooler and smelling the difference in it. For some reason, I'm on this nostalgic kick every year. I know when winter comes, that feeling is gone and the dark, long days ahead aren't very fun. Where I grew up, it was rainy, not really snowy. Sometimes it would though and I would sit in the window many times a day and just look at the glistening white. That's another post though.

The Fall reminds me of Summer days ending, school beginning, holidays beginning, warm clothes wearing, and fire starting. I remember chilly, rainy Halloweens, and pumpkins rotting on front porches. It reminds me of my life in Oregon, with my Mom. With my family. I have a new one now and more often than not, I don't think about those days. They were difficult, beautiful, hopeful, and heartbreaking.

I mourn my Mother, and my childhood today. Promises I made to myself and some that I've broken. When we grieve, it's so very different from person to person. I often wondered what I would do when my parent's died, especially mom. I wondered if I would be in shock or would I just weep uncontrollably for awhile, and then watch it fade?

This has been a process and it's only been a few months. I'm finding myself doing the normal things, then gripped with tears. Now that it's my favorite time of year, I'm thinking about her and all the things that made her special. I can see, it's going to be a long road for me. A process. I can't expect anything of myself. There will be days of tears and mourning, days of prayer, days of joy, and days of anger. There is no right or wrong when it comes to mourning, there is just you and your thoughts.


bearer of three said...

I agree and you shouldnt feel bad about crying..shes your mom and nothing could ever take her place. and its okay to be happy, sad, mad whatever..just remember you have to take the good with the bad..and lifes too short to not enjoy it..wish you well

Alesha @ Full Time Mama said...

Since I never experienced a "real" fall season, this is normal to me. However, it sure would be nice to see it! Your memories of fall sound wonderful!
I'm sorry you had to face the death of your parents so early. I can't imagine...
You're still in my prayers! Love you Mel!

HollyB said...

Everything you've been through has made you who you are today. You have an inner strength that has been a blessing to many. God gave you that strength and He will help you through this too. You take as long as you want and grieve in anyway you want. You are loved.

desertmama said...

I'm sure your mind is a whirlwind of memories and emotions right now. Since I don't know what it's like to lose a parent I can't say I know what you're going through, but my thoughts and prayers are with you no matter what stage of life you are in.

Melanie said...

I love my friends! God gave you all to me, and I am blessed.

Grammy Mouse said...

Hi Mel,
I love your descriptions of fall. It is not my favorite, but it does remind me of the things I do like about it.. the colors, smells & Halloween, one of my favorite holidays. But fall in it self is much like death... the leaves falling, plants are done producing their fruits & gone.Cold weather means the heat of summer is gone & winter is just around the corner. Since I lived in WI all my life, I know winter... I never cared much for it, even as a child. The occasional snowman or sledding, skating excursion maybe, but not the cold or the deep, wet, frigid snow!!
This is another transition for you, and with more holidays quickly approaching, more memories... they are hard, I know. But I found if I find the tears coming near or the wispy moments I force my thoughts to the fun & good memories of loved ones gone & those still here. Share those memories esp with your kids & other family & friends, I find that can help and you are also passing on some valuable information & love to others.